His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
