Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
