I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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