Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
