i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
whose parrot is this?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
