I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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