i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
