a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
As shirtless as possible
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
