I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
