Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
