i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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