i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it hurts more in the daytime
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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