I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
