I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
