the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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