hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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