The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
