I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just gargled with NyQuil
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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