he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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