My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
