Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
