Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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