My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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