my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
