If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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