She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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