Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
