he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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