your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
