I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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