I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
