she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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