how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
