I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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