Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
