Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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