Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
