I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
