i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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