I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
