yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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