I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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