All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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