Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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