I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
