I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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