Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
