if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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