I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
