Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
